Swallowed Sun

Most of my early morning hours were spent catching up on who I owe money to and who owes me. When many slept, I felt the need to be distracted. Fortunately, my debts were paid, but a few of my more favored clients were falling behind on payments due for books. When dealing with those in the upper classes, getting paid was always a chore, but their patronage unlocked other potential avenues. Individuals craved knowledge or status only a leather-covered collection of vellum could grant. It tended to be the latter in my experience. I found that a few would read what was between the two covers, more wanted the illusion, purchasing knowledge.

Just before dawn I heard a rustling from upstairs followed by young Felix coming down the stairs. Head down and gripping both hands in facsimile of a prostrate. I felt something was wrong before I realized something was indeed wrong.

'Felix,' I began my inquiry, probably with more worry coloring my tone than I wanted. I wanted to be the incarnation of stability, as much as a pipe dream that was. 'What’s wrong?'

'I’m…sorry,' Felix began, stammering as if tears were on the way. The lad looked up at me, clearly holding back tears. 'I wet…your bed…I didn’t mean to, sir. I…don’t…know why, sir.'

I know he was waiting for some response from me. His admission took me back to when I would wet the bed, and the shame I felt. The shame and the knowledge that I was not the noble knight fate determined me to be, rather just a scared child with a bladder to match. The servants would help keep my secret, which made it me feel more shame, a dirty secret the Lord of the land could not find out about. I would get my arse tanned by a belt, as it had in the past, if discovered. Servants who saw me as a child needing protection further unmanned me. Even when I was accompanying my father on campaign, I would occasionally wet myself. I had no servants to hide my indiscretions, so had to do it myself and prayed I would not embarrass my father or myself. When he did find out, I got lashed, not by the quarter master but by his own hand. That did not cure me, how could it. I could not be a child. I was to be a leader of men regardless of age. Leaders of men did not piss themselves. 

I was suddenly angry, I could taste blood. A bad habit from when I lost my temper. I would bite my cheek or tongue. Bite and bleed, omens that I was losing control. I had enough sense to know that now was not the time to lash out. I am not my father. My humble little home was proof enough of that reality.

'I am sorry, sir.' Felix’s apology brought me back from my memories, but not the anger I felt. I needed to say something, and the child before me was backing a way, sensing my rage. I had been here before, so many times, on the brink of losing control. I had also been on the receiving end of another’s rage as a child. I breathed, let out a sigh.

'Thank you for telling me,' I began measuring my words, lest my rage once again returns. Old wounds always tended to tear open at the worst times. 'I also had problems wetting the bed, it is something I understand.' I am still unsure as to why his admission brought me to such a point. Old scars, I assumed.

I feel the relief emanate from the little body in front of me. 'You are not going to beat me, sir?'

'No, I am not…'

'My mother would because then she would have to do more cleaning than planned. I did mean it, I am sorry.' Felix stated, interrupting me from any explanation, matter-of-factly. It did seem like a whipping was the standard form of punishment for those, either high-born or low, caught wetting the bed. At least in the experience of both Felix and I.

'I accept your apology, Felix,' Now that I am neither a high-born nor low, perhaps a different approach is needed. 'No beatings, not for this at least. We will need to clean up, though, so we best get started. We also need to make a room for you, but that can wait. Let’s clean up what we can. We’ll then eat what’s left from last night and discuss a few things.'

Felix’s relief was palpable. Likewise, I also was relieved. I did not lose my temper, something which always seemed to raise an ugly head when matters did not go as planned. In the past my anger, my rage, my choler could see me through those difficult parts where survival was paramount. Now, no sword in hand, nor shield protecting what is vital, such rage is impotent. With Felix now, it could be dangerously potent.

I came back from my musing to find Felix was gone. 'Lad?' I could hide the sudden shock in my voice, immediately fearing the lad had decided he would rather than run than deal with my unbalanced moods.

'Up here, sir.' His voice came from my room. The sense of relief was immediate, is this was being a father was like? Constant highs and lows. It had been a long time since someone had called me sir. I made a mental note to give Felix permission to use my actual name. I am no longer heir to land or title. No longer a member of the gentry charged with carrying out the orders of those more powerful. I would do that later. Already too much has changed in our lives. Some consistency, even if unnecessary, might be a good thing.

Again, my own thoughts were dominating my ability to act. Sighing, I moved to my room. Climbing the wooden stairs. The third from the top always creaked and badly. I saw no need to try and repair or replace the stair. It acted like a guard dog, but never slept, nor could it be bribed with food. Granted, it could not attack. I could.

I found Felix had already striped my bed and was beginning to remove the straw from my mattress. I could smell piss, but it was not the offensive smell one got when walking past a tavern at the end of the night. Ale, piss, vomit, and worse from passed out patrons reminded one that man was not the animal of reason philosophers wanted us to be. The potential was there but lacked the will, especially if ale and lovers were involved. It had that unmistakable smell, but far from the smell generated from a lot of people living in small areas.

'What must I do with the straw, sir?' Felix asked, already trying to get as much of it in a small pile. It was about time I changed the straw anyway and got my bedding laundered.

'I’ll go get a hessian bag, and put it out for collection,' I had already turned, something felt like it needed to be said. I turned once more, 'Thank you, Felix, for telling me and cleaning up as best you can.'

The boy simply nodded and carried on, using his hands as a broom. I could at least do something about that. More needed to be said, but I hoped the future would provide the right time or make saying the right things easier. I had my doubts if time would ever result in making the right thing easier to say. I moved off to get the rough span bag for the straw, and a broom to sweep up any stubborn bits. Before walking up the stairs once, I realized I would need another bag for the bedding to take down to the laundress.

Upon seeing the broom, Felix held out his little hands. I was shocked by how small they seemed. The broom handle appeared too large to be wielded by such small hands. I guess mine were of similar size at his age. Trying to remember what I was like at that age proved difficult. It involved a lot of running aimlessly with the other children of my father’s serving men and women. That changed once tutors arrived, but there was always time to play and get into trouble. Felix probably needed to play more now than ever before, I was certainly not the playmate he needed. By the cursed gods, Karl, what have you done? I think to myself, all but shouting in the space between my ears. He needed someone to care for him as his mother had, I am no replacement for that.

'Can I have the other bag for your bedding, sir?' Felix asked, pulling me from my reverie. I did as I was asked and watched as the little figure quickly stuff the second bag with what needed to be cleaned.

'I think you have done all you can,' I began. 'Pass the bags, I’ll take them downstairs. We’ll go take them later to be washed and new straw bought. First, let's eat something, for we have much to discuss. Do you have fresh clothes?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Get changed, and we’ll eat,' I said, suddenly rather hungry. My meager stores will not be enough to sate my stomach. It would be a start at least. 'I’ll see you downstairs when you’re ready.'

Once downstairs, there was a fast scurry past me. Felix was making for the back door and the small bag I saw there. There was no need to say anything, nor any time as the lad quickly disappeared up with only the creak of the stair so suggest where he was and where he had been. I busied myself with dividing what was left from last night. It was even more meager than I remembered. I went and put some water on the boil for two glasses of Kahveh, the bitter black tea-like drink that also helped suppress any hunger. It also helped one keep awake when necessary. The drink had made its way north in the last few years with an uptick in trade around steel. I must say I have come to enjoy it. Before that could be done, the fire needed to be stoked and brought up to something that could burn wood.

Just as the water came to the boil, I had finished grinding the dark brown beans in the made for purpose grinder made in the bean’s country of origin, or that was what the travelling merchant had said. The wood was exquisitely carved with colored glass inserts meant to impart luck to the owner. Using the glassware provided by salesman along with the copper device used to filter water though the bitter grinds to produce the black liquid. As soon as my back was turned, I heard a chair drag. 'You’re light on your feet, young Felix, help yourself to what’s on the table. Would you like some Kahveh?' I ask, knowing full well he had no idea what was causing the somewhat earthy but still fruity aroma.

'What’s that?' he asked, while I heard the chair scrape slightly. The inquisitive mite was next to me so quickly I nearly dropped the water. 'Yes, please.' the level of excitement in the boy's voice was contagious. 

I smiled, struggling to remember the last time I had genuinely smiled with such any level of joy behind it. 'Take a seat, and I’ll bring you some.'

The slight creak and scrape of the chair now becoming the tell-tale sign of Felix’s presence could be heard. I continued to slowly pour boiling water over the grinds until enough of the dark, rich, and fiercely aromatic liquid for two servings. Returning to the table, I poured the liquid into two small but beautifully designed cups. ‘Don’t drink it yet, give it a few moments. You’ll also likely want something to sweeten it. Some people like cream or milk with theirs. I don’t have any on hand. Though, I do have some honey to sweeten what’s rather bitter.’

I moved to get the honey pot, a far less intricately designed clay pot, compared to my Kahveh cups and brewer. Placed it on the table and could see Felix looking intently at the cup before him and its exotic contents. Again I could feel myself smile. 'It should be cool enough, take a sip.'

Felix did as instructed and the bitter taste immediately struck the lad. Pursing his face and shaking his head, I could not help but laugh. He looked up and mirrored my laugh. 

'Take a teaspoon of honey and stir it in,' I said through my laughter. Again, doing as instructed, though not as quick to take a sip this time. He took a suspicious sip, not wanting to be fooled again and possibly expecting me again to trick him. This time he had the opposite response and took another sip. 

'I like that,' he said through a toothy smile. I noticed he was missing a tooth on his bottom row. More were to follow, without doubt.

'Drink and eat up,' I began, feeling myself feel some of the lad’s joy at experiencing something new. 'We have much to discuss, you and I.'

Both of us followed my previous advice and made short work of the little that was before us. Felix hoofed down his portion. I knew we would need to get something in his gut again soon, however, first a talk was to be had. 'Right lad, can you read, write, and sum?'

'A little bit of counting sir, my ma could read and write a little but didn’t teach me much. I was supposed to start lessons with the other children soon, though.' Whether it was Karl’s insistence on the boy getting an education, or his mother’s will, could only be guessed at. Anyway, this point was now irrelevant as to the future we now faced. Schooling typically started around his age, if you were lucky enough to get any form of education. Most children either took on their parent's vocation or were apprenticed out when older.

'There are a few schools in town, but places are generally reserved for nobles and rich merchants. I am neither of which, but I can, or at least should be able, to teach you how to read, write, and sum. These are skills you’ll likely need when you go to the monastery in Rotenberg. In the future, we can see if your inheritance will cover some additional schooling, but being able to read and write before we send you packing will help.' I was making all the plans it seemed with little input from Felix. My past dictated the scenario as proper, the adult making the decisions, with blind acceptance from the child. How much longer this was to be how we decided matters was anyone’s guess.

'Thank you, sir.' Felix said while looking around, 'Can you teach me to read all the books you have?'

The question struck me as odd but hopefully showed the child was willing to learn, 'No, some are in languages I do not speak, let alone read. I will first teach reading and writing in the common tongue, the one we are using now. Some of the books here are written in languages long dead and generally forgotten, but when you have some proficiency in reading the common tongue, we can work on a few other languages.'

'Will I need to know other languages at the monastery?' Felix asked, his inquisitive nature once again coming to the fore.

'It likely couldn’t hurt,' I started, seeing how he was hanging on my every word, 'but I am not sure if it's completely necessary. The Order of the Swallowed Sun is somewhat of an enigma.'

'An...enigma,' Felix tried to use a word he might of never hear before now. 

'The order is very secretive and secluded. Unlike other religious orders or god cults, they don’t interact with people much and certainly don’t preach to the masses.'

Felix looked like he was trying to understand what I just said. Speaking to children is a rarity in my life, and could never bring myself to lower my standard of speech to meet their level of understanding. 'So, they keep secrets like adults do?'

The boy surprised me with his level of understanding. 'Pretty much, probably on a grander cosmological level, but yes, they keep secrets.'

'Cosmo…log…ee,' Felix played with the new word in his mouth.

'Cosmo…logical,' I helped. 'They deal in secrets that involve ideas on how the world, moon, sun, and stars came to be.'

'Pretty big secrets,' Felix’s eyes were widened by my sudden shattering of his current worldview. 'I’m not sure that I like secrets, big or small.'

'On that we can agree,' I say, still rather taken a back by the lad’s quick wit. 'Unfortunately, sometimes secrets are unavoidable. We digress, I will teach you to read write and sum, and you will take on the harder job of learning. Do we have an accord…or should I say deal?' I change my verbiage quickly so not to confuse the boy further, coming to the realization that I would need to alter how I sometimes spoke to better teach. 

I held out my arm and without any hesitation, Felix grabbed my forearm as I had shown him last night. 'Deal,' he chirped, delighted for some reason, possibly not knowing the hours of frustration that waited around the corner. A smile had once more sprung to his face. I could not help but smile. I could feel that where his smile sprang into being almost instantaneously, my smile creaked across my face. Years of being somber with bouts of melancholy seemed to ossify the muscles needed to experience joy. Before memory again puts my cholers directed to melancholia once more, there was much that needed doing and very little time to give in to self-pity. 

'Let’s first clear out the room I use to store stock, so that you’ll have a place to sleep in tonight.' It was always better to keep busy, I found. Even the mundane could stave off dark moods for a time. That would not prevent sadness from striking in the moments I was alone with nothing to keep my hands or mind busy. 'Then, we’ll need to go into town to get more straw, some food, and see about a bed for yourself.' 

Clearing and cleaning what was once a storage room was less onerous than I thought it would be. Felix again showed he was a hard worker despite his age. I don't think I was nearly as disciplined at his age, I still don’t think I am as disciplined as the hardworking and curious little lad. The books I kept in the room were extra copies of volumes that were always in demand. It would be easy enough to find another place for them. For now, they could be stacked to one side of the room till a better place was found downstairs for them. 

After the cobwebs were removed, I was surprised by the size of the room. Not only would a bed need to be bought but a chamber pot. That reminded me that I would need to show Felix how ablutions were dealt with here, which were likely very different to how he would have relieved himself in what I assumed to be a far more rural village.

It was time to go into town and get a meal and one of the several inns and taverns Ulmsberg had to offer. A stop by the butcher, then the baker, then the carpenter would also need to be done. It would mean that the lad would be introduced to most of the town, excluding the inner reaches of the castle. A place I had no current business to allow my entrance. Prince Ulfer was a good client. Though, tensions with the neighbors meant he was away either on campaign or finding allies for most of the summer. He should return before winter truly set in. Felix’s absent father was no friend of Ulmsberg, but those in power always took extra care when one of their own, even one that was broadly hated, had sprung from the mortal coil.

'Stay by my side,' I began, suddenly remembering what it was like to be in spaces full of humanity at the lad’s age. 'Grab my hand if you need.' Felix simply nodded. As per normal, the weather was cloudy and permanently raining to some degree. Today was a slight drizzle. Both of us donned our overcoats and each through a bag of soiled bedding over our shoulders, I hefted the straw while Felix willfully chose the soiled bedding. We exited my front door to meet the gloomy day for what it was. 'Welcome to Ulmsberg, home to the middling von Ulms. This way, let's first sort out the bedding and straw.' I point down towards the river.

‘Why middling?’

‘The prince used to be a regional power house but following several defeats has allowed his relationship, as younger brother, to Emperor Rudolf II, to be his security.’

‘I am not sure if I understand,’

‘Ah, suffice to say, Prince Ulfer is not as powerful as he once was and the region is safer than most due to Ulfer being the brother of the Emperor.’

‘The Emperor? He is the one on the coins Karl would bring?’

‘The very same. Though, he is much older than what the coins would suggest. Significantly older.’

Felix seemed to accept my statement as fact, bringing an end to the conversation to an end, and the walking began in earnest. The narrow street was dominated by cobbled streets, houses built of stone and the region's dark wood. The more well-to-do families would have half-timbered homes, complete with whitewashed walls in between the almost black timber frames. It was far easier, and cheaper, to build multistory homes in this way, rather than purely stone. If we walked up the hill to the castle gates, this style would become more prominent. We moved down towards the river docks, where small stone housing was the predominant style. I was located in the middle of the two class barriers. Suitably large stone house for my station, but not as successful as the those closer to the castle's inner ward. 

Between each house was a small alley, where the homes could dispose of shit and piss without tossing it in the streets. The alleys had access to one of Ulmsberg better features, the sewerage system. One of the reasons I chose Ulmsberg for my self-imposed exile was the sewerage system was better than most. I liked to muse that better sewerage led to a better class of people, at times when I was overly judgmental of my fellow man. Ulmsbergers were cleaner, but whether they were better than their rural neighbors was still up for debate.

Felix chose not to hold my hand, maybe feeling I challenged his bravery by offering it. He did however keep pace, despite me forgetting that my stride was far bigger than his. I slowed somewhat, hopefully imperceptibly. The streets were already filled with towns folk, whose days no doubt often started far earlier than mine. Our first stop was to Lina, the woman who did my washing. A widower of the town’s previous blacksmith who died suddenly before I decided to set up shop here. An incredibly industrious women who had hired other less fortunate souls on to turn a simple but labor-intensive task into a thriving business. 

She lived close to one of the river’s main streams. He industrious nature led her to commission tradesman to develop water powered tools to assist in the task of cleaning soiled garments. Her home and place of trade were always full of children running and playing. I know here the eldest son had just been accepted to be an apprentice to the current blacksmith, who was in turn her dead husband’s apprentice. Her eldest daughter was being courted by a lad belonging to a well-to-do family that traded in wool. I did not know much about the other four children. I couldn’t point them out among the gaggle that ran rampant while others worked. They must be around Felix’s age, so only really served the purpose of being 'under foot', as I had often heard other mothers moan. We reached the outer wall and entered into that section of the town that had overflowed the original castle plans. Cobble made way to muddy streets.

'Let’s not add mud to the cleaning,' I pointed to a hill that could be walked on, often ignored due to the steep initial climb but evened out somewhat where our destination was. 'Up top is a far more pleasant experience. It even has an impressive view of the river.'

Felix simply nodded, as was his custom. I wondered if he was a tad flustered from the walk this far. Fortunately, once up the incline, the travelling was much easier. I still reminded myself to slow my pace somewhat. I again looked down at Felix, he was unsure of his footing. The additional wait of the soiled bedding may have already begun to take its toll on the lad.

'Pass me the bedding, I’ll carry both up.' I tell him with outreached hand, ready to share his burden.

'I’m sure I can manage, sir,' he said, with a level of determination I believed children rarely, if ever, exhibited. Felix was full of surprises, a truth I was only now beginning to realize. Part of me hoped that we would become comrades while we were together. The other part, far more jaded, warned me about attachment 

'Onwards then Felix,' I found my voice once more, 'When walking up try to dig the front of your feet in a little more and move as if you were climbing my stairs.'

He nodded and did exactly as I had advised. He made steady but slow progress. I decided to walk behind him. It seemed the wisest course of action should he slip. Near halfway his progress slowed visibly, the grass was thicker, and I was sure his strength was being sapped. I decided to remain silent and watch. The lad plodded on and made it to where the grass thinned somewhat due to the prevailing wind. Still, he put his head done and focuses on each little step. Felix did make it to the top, breathed far heavier than I thought a lad his age could breathe, and smiled back at me. 

That smile unlocked something inside me, a little bit of pride trickled from my chest so to see the lad overcome the obstacle. Is this what my father thought when I rode beside to war? Such musings were silly at best, dangerous at worst. They did quiet that jaded side, that expected the worst at every opportunity. 'Felix, take a few moments to catch your breath. Take a seat?'

'What of the bedding?' he asked, concerned his hard work was for naught. We climbed the hill to be away from the mud.

'It’s drier up here,' I began, 'No harm will come to cloth.' 

He did as instructed, but did look at the hessian bag with detectable skepticism. I took a seat next to him and looked out at the river. The large expanse of water was navigable by craft designed for the oceans. Though it was flat-bottomed craft used to transport anything from livestock, people, food, or anything that would fit on it and not capsize, that dominated this waterway. The family of Ulm generated significant income from taxing those who decided to load and unload cargo. Even the nearby farmers were taxed for making use of the river that had been here generations before.

'Did you come in on that road?' I asked, pointing to the road that snaked near the river.

'No, sir,' Felix explained, 'Karl, I can call him Karl?' I nodded, 'Karl took me through from the other side, past the castle. I think he even gave one of the guardsman some money even though the gate was still open.'

I nodded again. I felt there was very little point in trying to explain why Karl, would have traveled so far out of his way, bribe a guard or reimburse an asset to keep a smaller gate open. Everything Karl did was so carefully considered, not even I would ever know the full ramifications of his decision. Even his decision to involve me was cause for much consternation for its apparent mystery. Understanding exactly his motivations would never be a salve for my wracked brain. Karl would never divulge such reasoning, even if in the rack himself. 'Karl is always careful, and you got to see a part of the town at night that very few are allowed to. Since you came the long way round, let me give you a guide of your current location. We are currently outside the main walls of the town, if you look over there,' I point towards the moorings used as a little harbor for the river boats, 'Is the harbor if you can call it that. Just above that is a secondary defensive wall. That’s roughly where we live.' Once more, I point to landmarks. Felix quietly looks to where I point. I was unsure if he wanted to ask something or was content to merely listen. I was unsure if I expected a response or not. 'Should we carry on?'

Felix nodded, getting back to his feet and shouldering his burden. He reminded me of a veteran soldier who just gets on with what needs to be done. I, too, nodded and followed the example of the little one. The trip down to one of the tributaries was far easier on Felix. In barely anytime a stone building came into view with complete with several children running around.

'You want to go introduce yourself?' I ask. I could have seen consternation between wanting to frolic and his self-imposed duty. 'I can carry the bedding, go play, if anyone asks what your relation is to me, I’m an estranged uncle of sorts.'

'Thank you sir,' Felix chirped, 'I’m a nephew then…of sorts' He added before bolting off. Wondering if I had done the right thing or not was answered fairly quickly when Felix said high to one lad and began running around almost immediately. I couldn’t help but let out a little sigh and made my way to Lina.