Swallowed Sun

I wandered off to go find Lina, already knowing exactly where I would find her. I was still unsure I did the right thing by letting Felix do what all children should. Doubt gnawed at my ability to make reasoned decisions. He was a serious and somber one, and on more than one occasion I had to remind myself that he had just recently lost his mother. I felt worse than an infant not knowing how to broach the subject, let alone to be there for lad. All I could do was provide mindless busy work.

‘Ah, Konrad,’ Lina almost shouts at me, sitting on a rock outcrop higher than those she employed. She was not just the overseer of this domain but its beneficent ruler. By all accounts, she did not need an iron fist to rule, but hands calloused from years of hard labor and a kind heart for other women saddled with useless men. Not that the kind heart would tolerate anything she perceived as and willfully called ‘nonsense’. The fact that I never introduced myself with a full name is likely considered by her to be such ‘nonsense’. It was only the fact I paid up front that it was tolerated. ‘And, what brings you here far earlier than your typical wash day? Seeing your young companion means more questions than even I could imagine. It is already the talk of the town. The all-too-private book merchant and a child have certainly got tongues flapping.’

‘Lina,’ I acknowledge the clear and obvious matriarch with a tip of my head. ‘Good to see you once more, and I assume you speak of young Felix?’

‘Indeed,’ Lina raises an eyebrow that stops just shy of her hairline pulled back in a loose ponytail.  ‘Never thought you were the one to have children snipe at your ankles. You, the eternal bachelor, now with child in tow. Certainly, a tale I must hear.’

‘The tale is not as exciting as you might imagine,’ I could not help but imagine what sordid tales Lina had thought might have resulted in my adopting Felix. ‘Felix’s mother, a distant relation, died, and I’m all the child has left in terms of family, no matter how distant. He knows me as Uncle Konrad, not that I’m really his uncle.’

‘Uncle Konrad…’ she said. I could see her taking what I said in, making a decision. I was fairly nervous, being dishonest never came easily to me. ‘I know it has become somewhat of a joke between us, I now need to ask what is your family name?’

‘Romer,’ I answer, my mother’s family name, and one I had used in the past when needed. Now seemed one of those times. I felt Lina was weighing my soul to determine if I could raise a child.

‘Romer,’ she said, testing the sound of it. She said it with such intent, I wondered if she could taste the syllables as they exit her mouth. Testing their sounds for any hint of dishonesty, I naturally assumed. ‘Well, Uncle Konrad Romer, it is good to finally make your acquaintance properly.’

I simply nodded. Like any ruler, I didn’t need to know her last name. She was master and commander of all she surveyed, there was no need to know her heritage.

‘I thought you would have asked mine in return,’ she playfully scolds me. ‘Is that not how the gentle folk introduce themselves? It's Kiczold, for propriety's sake.’

‘Lina Kiczold,’ I put on a voice fit for court, with an added flourish intended as a show of respect. ‘Would you do me the kindness of cleaning my bedding?’

‘I shall,’ she mimics my flowery tone. ‘The usual price, will be all that is asked.’

I reach inside my coat, for my purse. Never full, but it always had more than enough silvers to get by. Even here, like any other conglomeration of humanity, desperate folk were forced to desperate things. If pick pocketed or attacked this way, a few lost silvers would not be devastating. I had already squirreled away the gold Karl had entrusted me to Felix’s care. I hoped it would not need to be used and Felix could use it as he sees fit before the Order forced him to take a vow of poverty. ‘I’ll also need more straw if you’ve got for both me and Felix.’

‘Easily done,’ the queen of this stream proclaimed. ‘Make it just one silver for the cleaning and the straw. Feel free to leave Felix here to play, we’ll keep an eye on him.’

‘I could not possibly…’ I started, before her majesty interjected.

‘You could not possibly, but the child has just lost his mother.’ Lina’s tone invited no argument. ‘Let him play as a child should. He will be safe and fed. Your silver will cover any food we give him. Although, I know it's not the cost that worries you but failing in your duty.’

Despite my limited experience with women, it always surprised me the level of intuition they could bring to bear. There was very little I could say, and reverted to simply nodding. Despite Lina’s wisdom, I did not feel comfortable leaving Felix.

‘He’ll be fine,’ Lina reiterated. The level of intuition on display again took me a back.

‘Thank you,’ I finally find some words to give. ‘Let me find the little mite and let him know he can stay.’

‘You can pick him up, once you’re done with whatever a bookseller does in a day.’ Lina informed, I had already turned my back to find Felix and simply waved my acknowledgement.

Felix was easy to find. A small horde of children was running amok further downstream. Unlike the barbarian hordes, there were laughter and smiles. No need to storm a gate, raid and rape a village. I found Felix deeply involved in a game with three other children, roughly the same age, seeing who can throw pebbles into the stream the furthest. ‘Felix,’ I called to see all turn and look at me, ‘Over to me if you will.’ I saw a moment's hesitation and a quick look back at his new friends, followed by what I made out to be a quick goodbye. The smiling and the laughter had died down, at that point it became clear that Lina was right. Regardless of my misgivings in letting him stay, be they from beliefs as to his security or welfare or just reflections of my own weaknesses. Felix is a child and needs something to make him laugh like the other children. ‘Don’t look so glum, lad,’ I couldn’t help but laugh a little, a deep laugh from my belly. A rarity these days, for sure. I had only known the lad to be awfully serious in his approach to me, something about him displaying any emotion other than what I was used to tickled me. ‘I just wanted to say that Lina Kiczold, the woman responsible for all you see here, has invited you to stay and play.’

‘Really?’ the lad asked. ‘What about the other errands we needed to do?’

‘I can manage well enough on my own,’ I explained. ‘If you want to stay, I ask that you behave yourself and don’t cause your elders more trouble than what they already have to deal with.’

‘Yes, sir,’ the lad’s seriousness returned abruptly. ‘I promise I will, sir.’ Felix said that with such solemnity that almost I believed he was taking an oath.

‘Well,’ I say, still taken aback by the little one’s response, ‘Off with you then. I will be back to collect once the errands are done.’

‘Yes, sir,’ Felix’s now customary reply to myself, ‘Thank you, sir.’

I nodded, in what seemed to be my customary response. At my ascent, Felix ran to rejoin his companions, and laughter and smiles resumed almost immediately. I looked back to Lina on her earthen throne only to see her smiling knowingly as women tended to. I have seen that look before. It’s as if they knew something about the very nature of reality denied to men. At that moment, I felt the truth of their hidden knowledge. My more rational side noted that she could be a great ally in helping me raise Felix. I waved goodbye, to met with one in return, the knowing smile not leaving her face for an instant. There was that unfathomable intuition on display.

I made may way back into the walled part of town, past my home and to the local carpenter to get a bed made for Felix. I could tell the man was not impressed with my approximations of the lad’s height and how much he had grown over the past year. Such questions, well making me feel fell like a child before his academic master, did at least mean my money was well spent. From what I had heard, he only recently took over from his master and married the master’s daughter. All considered the marks of a good upbringing and early professional life by the local community. If I had gotten to his shopfront first thing this morning, I would have been able to receive the child’s bed today but would have to wait another day. This was off little consequence, I could survive another night in my chair downstairs. 

From the carpenter, it was time to stop by the butcher, then the baker. I had planned to introduce Felix to the Inn where I tended to eat my evening meal. I preferred to eat later in the day, once the sun had set, as was my father’s custom. Despite eating at the Inn most nights, I would still need to feed my somewhat uninvited lodger. Children needed a few more meals than what my bad habits would allow, of that I was certain. The butcher’s wife also had a few jams and preserves on sale. Luckily, for a few extra silvers, she was willing to part with some of her prized butter I heard so much about. I had overpaid for the butter, this I knew. She was a shrewd negotiator; I could have been there all afternoon haggling if it was in my nature.

Once all my errands had been done and my little larder now filled. Now, more than two people could at least eat a few meals. There were still a few hours in the day. I wanted to fetch Felix, a nagging voice from within told to let the child play for the rest of the afternoon. Taking Lina’s advice of letting the lad be a child, I ended up wondering round my little home, up and down with no direction. I was trying to kill time, but an unease and anxiety related to the boy's welfare soon gripped my thoughts. I made several attempts at reviewing my accounts and stock. Each attempt doomed to fail and barely ate at the time I wished to pass so eagerly. 

I had no idea how much time had passed, but I knew it was not nearly as much as it felt. Likewise, I could not wait anymore and soon decided I would go down to the stream to see how the lad was keeping. As I walked the same way I had travelled twice already in opposing directions, my mind began to fill with all the horrors that befall a child next to a stream. 

This was certainly a new experience, to be so worried about another. I could not find any good in these feelings and felt like I should break out in a run. It was only the thought of impropriety and what my neighbors might say that kept me from doing so. The pace of my steps did quicken, and I could imagine it must have been a silly sight, worthy of ridicule. Once I got to the grass embankment, nobody was in sight, and decided that any need for self-control was far down the list of my priorities. Horrors imagined, despite the knowledge of their irrationality, could not be cast aside.

I ran up the hill and could not help but continue at this pace till I got to Lina’s little homestead. Upon reaching the little wall and wrought iron gate, I was already out of breath. Has my time being idle so eroded what physical prowess I had earned in preparation for war? Despite the lack of breath, I still had a task to complete. As soon as I entered the gate I saw young Felix, with three of his companions, intently making something amongst the high grass. I felt silly, stupid, and a fool all at once.

I turned to see Lina, still holding court over her subjects, smiling at me, and waving me over. With each step, the more of a fool I felt. The smile had turned to a belly laugh, resulting in the woman struggling to get both her breath back and implacable composure I had known to emanate from her.

‘I see you're feeling the burden of parenthood, Konrad Romer?’ she asked, still struggling to get her breath back. I had somewhat recovered mine, but still felt the fool.

‘Does it get any easier?’ I asked, deeply concerned that this was to be my future.

‘Not really,’ my heart dropped at the honest reply. ‘Of the several bairns I have, and the few that are on their way to no longer being bairns, the worry and fear that something might happen to them remains. I think we just become better at hiding it so that they can live.’

Acknowledging her words, I wondered why Felix obviously meant so much to me. We had barely known each other for a day. He was thrust into my care and is not of my blood. While I acknowledged my debt, maybe there was more to Karl’s words from only last night. Regardless, a debt needed to be repaid, and by my actions I was determined to repay it with interest. Again, the enormity of what I had said yes to forced its weight upon me.

‘It’s not all like this,’ Lina said, trying to reassure me. ‘There will be moments of great joy.’

I felt a tug at my hand. ‘Sir,’ it was the lad handing me the figure of a man made of grass, ‘I made this for you. It’s not as good as Heidi’s…’

‘It’s fantastic,’ I replied, stunned by the sudden act of unexpected generosity.

‘See, moments of great joy,’ Lina said through a smile of all teeth.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to keep it?’ I asked Felix.

‘No,’ I could hear the hurt in the lad’s voice. ‘I made it for you.’

‘I gladly accept it,’ I say too formally, as if accepting a gift in court. ‘I think it's fantastic.’

‘I taught Heidi how to make them,’ Lina chimed in, ‘The grass men are used by wise woman in the region to ward off evil. The effigy acts as a warden for your home.’

In an age where the conflicting religions proposed to be the only truth, one needed to subscribe to reach joy and happiness in an uncertain afterlife, it was good to know that some of the old ways endured. I paid lip service to the town’s clergy and attended the holy gatherings on important days, only to keep wagging tongues and inquisitive neighbors quiet. ‘Then our little warden will do exactly that. Thank you, Felix.’ The lad’s smile beamed like only a child’s could, unburdened by age.

‘See, a moment of great joy!’ Lina exclaimed while laughing. ‘In the space of only a few moments you have experienced what is in store for you, Konrad Romer. I take it Felix and yourself have places to be, but your bedding is far from dry. I’ll have someone deliver it tomorrow, but your straw is ready and packed,’ the smile had not left her face, more a testament to the wisdom of ages than the regal ruler I had experienced previously. ‘And, by all means, both of you are welcome in my home at any time.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, with more sincerity and heart than I had in some time. It struck me as odd that the words ‘thank’ and ‘you’ could mean nothing as a nod to societal rules, or everything. 

‘Thank you, Ms. Lina,’ Felix said. I could feel his words also came from somewhere much deeper than his small frame suggested existed.

‘I am no Ms. but my aren’t you a well-mannered brat,’ Lina’s last word was said with no malice but a surprising amount of affection. ‘Now, off with both you.’

We said our goodbyes. It suddenly struck me how much had changed in the space of less than a day. It was dizzying to look down at the little boy walking ahead of me to fetch our straw. Likewise, it stunned me that this little lad who seemed as somber and tinged with melancholy like myself was such a catalyst for change.

‘I didn’t know your last name was Romer.’ chimed the little catalyst.

‘It was my mother’s last name,’ I reply, not immediately knowing where the conversation was heading, but did not feel the need to guard against possible consequences.

‘So you are a bastard like me?’ a hope tinged question sprouted forth. ‘Karl, didn’t tell me you are also a bastard.’

‘No, I knew my father,’ I felt bad for stomping out the hope that Felix felt in meeting another bastard. At that point, I felt I needed to explain myself. ‘I knew my father, and was raised by my father. Sadly, I cannot use his last name due to a great shame that befell us. We are more alike than you know, Felix. While I am not a bastard, my mother died when I was about your age as well.’

‘I am sorry,’ again the child's ability to feel and share those feelings colored his words. A simple sorry was heartfelt and cathartic. I felt good to share that fact and have an honest interaction for once, without needing my mask as a bookseller so firmly in place.

‘I am sorry for your loss as well, Felix.’ I said, trying to convey the same feeling that the lad had shared with me. ‘Tell me, what else did Karl tell you of me?’

‘You were a soldier,’ Felix began, ‘and that you would be able to protect me.’

It felt as if the wind was knocked out of me and vertigo was about to take hold. Having one’s past brought up so honestly and bluntly disarmed me. It was a past I attempted to hide for longer than the lad had lived. It certainly was the truth, but I was unprepared for that specter to be brought back from the grave I had buried it.

‘Are you alright, sir,’ Felix asked, genuine concern slammed into me just as my past had. ‘You look as if you are going to be sick. Did I say something wrong?’

Seeing and feeling the concern the child had for me touched something I preferred to keep hidden. I needed to respond for his sake and mine. ‘Karl is right, I was once a soldier. I commanded a company of men. That shame I mentioned earlier meant I could no longer command, and the life of a soldier was no longer mine to follow. I apologize for my reaction, it was odd to hear coming from one so small.’

‘I’m not that small,’ Felix said in his defense.

‘No you are not,’ I had to agree. There was wisdom to the child I could not argue with. ‘Felix, we must be careful what information we share with others. Both you and I may not like the consequences being loose of tongue may bring. I don’t expect you to understand what you and I need to be while living here just yet. We will talk of this later.’ The last words I say, looking to make sure we were out of earshot of any curious ear and eye.

With that, we made our way to collect the straw and then headed back to within the walls. The rest of the trip was completed in silence. There were several times I wanted to say something. Either the words unspoken felt inappropriate or idle chatter, lacking the bearing or the weight our previous discussion had.

Only once I got through the front door of my home could I figure out anything to say. ‘Your bed will be ready tomorrow. I think we should just change my bedding with the spare blankets I have, and you can sleep in my bed tonight.’ 

‘Are you sure, sir?’ Felix asked, concern once more added meaning to the question. ‘What if I wet the bed again?’

‘Then we do the same as today.’ I said, simply as I could, but meaning every word. ‘I used to wet the bed at your age and even older. It is not something you do with intent to be difficult. You will grow out of it.’

‘If you are sure, it’s fine…’ the lad began.

‘It is,’ I interject, hopefully letting him know my mind is made. ‘Let’s make the bed up, then I suppose we can get something to eat. Have you eaten anything today other than this morning?’

‘Yes, sir,’ he began, ‘I had some fresh bread and jam, that Heidi gave to me. Her mother told her to share. I am happy she did because the jam was delicious. It was blackcurrant.’

I laugh. Such simple needs to keep one happy. ‘Well, you’ll be happy to know that I bought some bread, jams, pickles, and meats today. Once we are done here, you can try a different jam if you like?’

‘Yes, sir. That would be great!’ his smile warmed something inside of me.

‘Where should we place our little warden?’ I remembered the grass fetish I placed in my pocket.

‘I think,’ the lad began, visibly considering where the warden will best serve. ‘I think he should be near the back door. I think that is where he can best protect us. After all, Karl and I came through the back door.’

‘Good point,’ I say as I place our little warden on top of the door frame that stuck out from the wall. ‘I think he will do his duty nicely over here.’

‘Me too,’ there was that big smile and I might have been imagining it but a sense of pride too. Whether imagined or not, I too felt a sense of pride, even though I had done nothing to deserve it.

‘Let’s make your bed, then I’ll make some Kahveh to have with our bread.’ I did have plans on going to one of the local inns for a hot meal. Staying in seemed a better option for the two of us. Besides introducing Felix to some of those that frequented the Lyre and Boar, my preferred Inn, might be a tad much for the moment. So much had changed in our lives in such a short space of time, I don’t think a few drunks, even if they intended well, would be beneficial.

We went about our tasks, quickly and efficiently. When we sat down for our meal, the lad looked desperately tired. My decision to not go to the Inn seemed wiser now than before. The kahveh perked up the lad enough to explain to me all he had got up to in the day while playing with Lina’s children. I listened intently to the games and the rules they created around those games. From throwing pebbles in the stream to simply chasing one another. If I was asked to listen to a child’s prattle yesterday, I would have scoffed and carried on with my day. Now, there was joy to be had in the little details Felix shared with me.

After having some bread with an assortment of preserved meats, cheeses, and preserves both sweet and savory, I could see the effects of the kahveh disappear just as quickly as they had come on. ‘I think it’s time you retire, young Felix,’ I suggested to the seated figure with droopy eyes before me.

‘I think you are right, sir,’ the act of speaking was taking the last of his power. ‘I will wash up.’

‘No, you go to bed,’ I wouldn’t have the lad clean up after us now, there will be plenty of time to divvy up chores later. ‘I’ll wash up and pack away, you just see to yourself and get yourself into bed.’

‘Yes, sir,’ Felix began, ‘I’m sorry if I angered you earlier with what Karl had told me.’

‘You didn’t anger me,’ again the lad possessed the unique ability to unbalanced me with his approach. ‘It has been a long time since being called a soldier. Especially now, with everyone knowing me, a bookseller. We will talk later about what we can say in public and why Karl entrusted you to my care, but now it is time for you to go to bed.’

With a nod, the tired child clambered down the chair and made his way upstairs. Leaving me to ponder again what should my, no, our, next steps be.